Welcome to the Joy of Pain

A New BDSM Resource for the Enthusiast.

Pain—most of us spend our lives heatedly avoiding it. We protect ourselves as best we can by driving carefully, planning rigorously, and ultimately choosing to avoid situations in which we might get hurt both physically and emotionally. We are creatures of habit who do not necessarily always like change, yet we understand change is inevitable.

But what about those of us who like change? Who like pain?

A rather large portion of the population goes to great lengths to achieve such a status of pain that it becomes just as satisfying as—if not even more than—an orgasm. The art of erotic pain has been part of our culture throughout history, yet most of us have been apter to be quiet about our secret desires. Seeing as they tend to be taboo, it’s understandable to want to keep things “in the cage,” so to speak.

No matter how far under the sheets we keep such fantasies, one common thread weaves us together in this arena: the desire for pain. It can be liberating to feel pain, to recreate scenarios in which pain is inflicted, or to use pain as a form of spiritual ascension. Such use of pain was common centuries ago in Christianity where priests dedicated to recreating the flagellation of Christ whipped or harmed themselves as a form of growing closer to the Creator or of achieving some sort of spiritual points. The reasons aren’t always clear, but we as kinksters can relate.

We’d like to get closer to that God-feeling, too.

Each of us has our own way that we like to experience pain. Some of us like to give it while others like to receive it, and some individuals in between like both. Those who love inflicting harm tend to be called Doms, Tops, Owners, or any other variation of a dominant title. Underneath those are the subs, bottoms, pets, etc. who enjoy being put into place or simply being marked up. So, what is appealing about being the Top who dishes out the pain?

There’s something viscerally satisfying about inflicting harm. From the Dominant point of view, reducing someone to their most basic human form by stripping them of clothes, binding them, and spanking their buttocks, thighs, or arms creates a power dynamic. The person in charge holds the power—consensually, of course—while the person underneath submits to that power. By participating in these roles, we weave a web of worlds in which we empower ourselves. The Dom may not always be in such a position of authority at work. Their private life may be a mess of relationships or void of all relationships. This may be the only place where they are needed—and they are willing to provide this service.

For a moment, they are God.

On the bottom is the sub who perhaps holds too much responsibility in the vanilla world. They might be juggling multiple jobs, worrying about overdue bills, and struggling with a mounting duty towards their spouse or their kids. They may be driven into the ground by stress and need the crack of the whip in order to release that tension. From a submissive perspective (and for many Doms as well) pain is the escape from the mundane world of responsibility. It’s a ticket to another place, to the joy and wonder of the experience of the other: a different state of existence.

The power dynamic mentioned is one of consent. Both parties agree that one of them will hold the power for that night or for the duration of their relationship. Whatever they decide can be agreed upon verbally or written into a contract. (We recommend the contract route.) These contracts can include what games they will play, what is permitted, and what is completely off-limits. Hey, we kinksters have our limits just like everyone else!

For both parties, sex just doesn’t do it. Sure, a quick wank or a blowjob might have sufficed before, but this is different. This is more primal. Pain brings us down to a level of spirituality we have only experienced in dreams. In the same respect, it raises us up to the heavens to float amidst the cosmos where we can fly away from our worries and responsibilities. Pain does not require us to sacrifice every waking minute of our lives while fumbling towards a near-unreachable goal.

Pain is forgiving.

In this world, pain need only your willingness and openness. It gives you that same adrenaline high that you get chasing after a loose dog. You pump your legs hard, knowing you need to grab that pup before it reaches the road, and you extend your arm as far as you can possibly reach in order to keep them from harm. And it hits you suddenly—that rush.

You snatch the dog up, chastise him very quickly, and take him back home, all the while trying to catch your breath. Do you remember the way the wind stung your lungs and how your blood pumped madly through your veins? Yes, it’s much like that—but better.

No drug could compare to the altitude we reach when we succumb to the pain. It’s much like getting that first tattoo. Once the needle has stung us sufficiently for a few minutes, the numbing sensation takes over. You can still feel the dull grind of the needle in your skin, but it’s different now. It prompts you to keep going, to bite your lip, and to keep breathing. You know the end result is going to be beautiful—I mean, you get what you pay for, so hopefully, it’s gorgeous—and you know that you want it.

So, you keep going.

The joy of pain varies from person to person. As stated above, it can be in giving, receiving, or even both. Many kinksters who identify as Switches can testify to having experienced both Top and bottom in their own respects, giving them an invaluable perspective with which to cater the experience of their play partner(s). Everyone has their own preference in the world of kink, and pain is much the same in that regard. It’s all about choice.

Is pain merely physical? For many impact players, yes! It very much involves the physical body being beaten, whipped, slapped, caned, punched, or cut. The previous tattoo example was a prime way to relay how that pain can feel and why we might venture to get it, but what other types of pain exist?

Emotional. This is all about choice. Participating in painful play sessions can involve a medley of verbal as well as physical elements, and the verbal is where we find emotional pain. The Dom in this scene might use vulgar language, insults, and other humiliating or degrading phrases to get the sub lower and lower. The sub is scum; the sub is poorly trained; the sub can’t live up to the Dom’s standards; the sub is not worthy—all these phrases and more could bless their ears and provide them the experience that they so very much desire. Feeling worthless is its own form of pain.

Mental. In controlled scenes, using gaslighting as well as tactics of manipulation can convince the sub that they are less than a speck of dirt. A Dom could choose to degrade their sub by controlling their mind in a way that would lend over the power quickly and effectively. In some cases, physical means is not at all necessary for belittling the sub can cause them to relinquish control. A combination of mental and physical tactics with emotional assaults thrown in could become a heavenly place for a sub who wishes to feel no more important than the imprint of their Dom’s shoe.

These are rather extreme examples of pain infliction. Many scenes could involve a healthy combination of all three, but ultimately it depends on what the Dom and sub decide to do. The key to enjoying pain is doing the things we like and want to do under the guise of it being forced. If at any point we decide we’re tapped out or that we don’t like it anymore, we can say our safe word and end the scene.

The goal for most subs is to enter what is called subspace. It’s a special place where reality becomes blurred and our goals begin to come to fruition. For some subs, their pain goal could be to withstand a series of repeated lashes from a strap or a retractable whip (i.e. one hundred lashes.) This particular activity would be called endurance. The Dom tests the sub to see how far they can go before they “break” and call the safe word. Endurance can also include the emotional and mental aspects of pain instead of just being limited to the physical.

Other goals can include gaining bruises or scars that will last from a few weeks up to a lifetime. Have you ever seen the cosmic blue and galactic purple that can erupt upon the skin after a proper beating? What about the red lines that spring up after a heavy whipping? Even better for some are the crimson scars that appear just after the skin has been healed from being split open. It’s quite satisfying to see for those of us who enjoy having tokens of pain that aren’t just limited to pictures.

While some folx prefer having proof of their engagements, others love possessing the knowledge that they’ve done something new. Included in the endurance arena would be stretching, filling, and over-stuffing orifices. This erotic activity is rampant across webcam rooms. Just go to a live chatroom now (Chaturbate, Cam4, MyFreeCams) and pick the most popular cam model on the page. Chances are there’s a person in that room taking a large object and shoving it as deep as possible into their body.

But what’s the appeal with stuffing or filling places that don’t normally get filled and how does it relate to the joy of pain?

Lets Get Rebellious..

It’s rebellious. There’s something liberating about going against the grain. It’s what us kinksters crave whenever we try something new. We want something different, something to push our boundaries and make us learn. Often, we want a heavy hand to guide us during the process and encourage us to go further, push deeper, and scream louder. It’s a sort of curiosity—where can I stick this? How far will it go? How big can I take? All of these activities have their own increments of pain, and most of it is incredibly blissful.

In recent years, more and more vanilla couples have become curious about mild bondage as well as another form of power play that tends to reverse their usual bedroom roles: pegging.

Pegging is when a woman uses a strap-on to penetrate a man. Although it may seem like a fantasy that takes some time to lead up to, many men have admitted to having this particular desire and wanting to try it. There’s something inherently different about being the bottom, especially when experimenting in vanilla relationships. Seeing as most vanilla couples wouldn’t have much experience at all with BDSM or fetishes, it would be intensely exciting. The arousal of both parties would likely be through the roof.

When the roles are reversed during pegging, the couple gets to experience their partner’s perspective. It’s a fascinating encounter that not only provides physical pleasure for both people, but the act itself enhances the erotic mental pleasure. The man might be experiencing some confusion and elation mixed with a hint of fear as he bends over the bed while his girlfriend prepares her dildo behind him. She might be tense or nervous with a twitch of excitement—finally, she’s on top.

This is why pain—in all its various forms—is such a gratifying experience for kinksters and, in more recent years, vanilla folx alike. Whether fully experienced or completely free of marks, anyone who walks into a dungeon or a bedroom can be sure that the pain will change them. Nothing will ever be the same once they experience it and bottle it up for later.

Whatever the driving force—marks, scars, bruises, supernatural, metaphysical, change of perspective, experimentation—pain is binding. It is best to choose a partner with whom the tools of inflicting pain can be trusted. This includes the mental and emotional weapons as well. Once the pain is unleashed, the mind forms an association with that being and their connection either grow stronger or ends immediately.

Pain changes people.

What do you think the pain will do for you?